although

what's REALLY scaring me is the thought that no one's gonna come online at all

I've always felt

that melancholia is just a hairs breadth away, and that to have it leak through you just have to take away one, or all, of the things that keeps the flood at bay


maybe I just feel this way because I've got the weekend blues


I want to watch a film, but not a too long one in case I miss people coming online :/

it's that bad

We measure ourselves, no longer by our gold but our circuitry

I was unpacking my bag and I realised that all the things I consider to be of particular worth are electronic, it struck me how nowadays electronic stuff is often worth more than precious stones, purely in terms of common usage. Maybe that's a half baked theory, but

what I mean is

no longer do we measure ourselves, as much, by the fancy clothes/jewelry etc. but by whether we have the latest 12o thousand gigabyte iPod touch phone, built in spaceship


I'd like to think there's some sort of overarching point or message to these ramblings, but I don't think I'm gonna be eloquent to express it even if I knew what it was.

quick and, relatively painless

I always do this
build up the pressure I have to do this bit of work or that, have it hanging it over my head til I can think of nothing else

and then once it's done, half heartedly or not I wonder why I was so worried

but I do feel relieved that it's done, although I know it's only a brief intermission before the next one comes along

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh

I have to do some creative writing tonight and I only have a very vague idea of what I'm going to do

which means I'm going to leave it far too late, avoiding at all costs before hand get a pint and then try and bash out some form of thing about this obssessive guy killing himself because he thinks his 'work on earth' is done (he thinks he's an angel or something), it may be good or it may be shit

and I dunno if I'm gonna do it as a monologue or a piece of prose, thoughts anyone?

After hours sitting at my desk, my rooms feels too small
To contain the thoughts rushing around my head and
Too warm too sustain life and my internet
Is down anyways so there's not much point,
And time moves too slowly.

I wander downstairs, my parents are using the lounge,
So I find myself pacing aimlessly my kitchen
I can't eat,too much already-I know
I'm just going to end up back up in my room,
In front of the computer screen, a parasite

Mario kart wii is SOO annoying

well 150cc in particular, like for example no blue shells ALL the way through the race, I get into first like just before the end of the race: BOOM-blue shell, grog

it's bloody typical

oh god oh god oh god

guilt lots of guilt


argh I should be dooo-oo-ing media now

but instead I'm waiting for this stupid thing to finish doing which I KNOW won't work anyWAY

and I have loads of work I should be doing and I have this inate ability to be able to convince myself that 'actually it's not THAT much work' you don't need to do it now

but I do I do

aargh

and I HAVE to do this media thing tonight

and I don't know how long it'll take and ideally I want an early night but I know that won't happen
and I can't leave it and say I'll do it tomorrow in school and I can't do it tomorrow, cos that means there'll be something else hanging over my head cos I won't do that tomorrow

and I've got to do my creative coursework englishy thing for next monday

although I have been having some ideas for that which is good

oooooh I hate this feeling

cos I don't really want to do work ('cos the thing is loading' *rolls eyes*)
but I don't really feel like doing anything


listlessness is the worst feeling in the world

woop for illegal dvd rippers

(lets hope the feds don't read these things *shifty eyes*


I am happy cos it means I can FINALLY use final cut lol

and I'll be able to easily get bits of films I want on t'internet :)

I think all wrong

and I think too much

which effectively leaves me thinking all wrong too much


which is never a good situation to be in for anything

strangely

there's a part of me that finds this genuinely moving?
is that healthy?

it makes me really happy

that I can spend time with my sister again now and enjoy it

now she's got through the annoying year 7/8 phase (a year and a half earlier than me and sams predictions) I can actually have a proper conversation with her

I may never be as close to her as I am to my brother, but it's cool cos she's definitely a much nicer person

rulers

do you reckon 7 rulers is an excessive amount to have on one desk?

you've got all these great answers for all these great questions

(I'm not sure whether I should hate myself for that ^^^)


you always ask me why I love you

and I think it's simply because there's is no one else quite like you in the entire world
and your unique cocktail of personality is one that I immensely enjoy the company off
and it makes me happy
and sometimes it makes me a bit sad
but then that's only natural and the way of the world

and I suppose now that I have met this unique brandess of you-ness which makes me so happy
I don't want to lose it
and which I, suppose, quite naturally, fear losing.


and it scares me looking back and old stuff from friends I used to have, really close friends, how little I miss them, but yet at the same time I do get nostalgic about the good times we had.


I don't want that to happen with you, maybe it won't
maybe those friends which I thought were close weren't

maybe we're all wrong and you're right
(it's happened before)
and actually what you consider as friends are our only real friends
and these are the ones that we don't let ourselves lose
(my dad has no friends from his time during school, is that normal?)

if that's the case, the logic goes that you will be one of the ones I keep,
if that's the right verb,


I guess...


no

it's gone

my eloquence, or more likely, train of thought has run around aground which has led me to type all this.


don't you just love mixing metaphors

tidying up

is like maths, it's so straightforward, logical and step-by-step it's soothing

stuff

y'know Tyler was wrong, stuff is what keeps me sane


the huge majority of the time stuff is more reliable than people, in the sense that it's still gonna be there when everything else goes to shit,

or if it's not more reliable it's a whole lot simpler
stuff only makes you feel happy the majority of the time, rarely does it make you feel bad
otherwise you would have it

I think in a way it's part of what keeps me sane

and I know that possibly/probably doesn't reflect well on my own character but y'know

fuck it

I just found

an egg in a pint pot on the top shelf in my room, that was a weird night




(was a good weekend though :D)

I hate the weekend :(

because I rarely have anything interesting to do.
and I never get to see anyone

and especially sundays, because I feel I should be working or something
when all I feel like doing is playing mario kart wii

I'll probably go and do that some more
over and out

everything about this is genius

If Oscar Wilde had written a blog

it wouldn't have been half as up itself as I sometimes think I might be.

aaaaah

god. one of THOSE moods

the strange indecipherable feelings that you don't fully understand or really feel

that in some strange way mesh together like the sickening lair of a spider

to create this feeling of just, well, nothing

really, I mean my problem if I write it down

is not that I am not eloquent

but that my eloquence appears in the wrong places,

like ray-ay-aaaaiiiin on your wedding day

strange really

it makes me so upset because I wish I could write down how I feel

in some creative way 

(my brother can do it, poet that he is)

but instead I just end up writing in this strange, annoyingly contrived half poetry

that I sort of write like poetry I might like to read someday

but lacks any of the actually technical language skills

to actually make it anyways a good poem

"You're jealous of the idea of the writer. You want to keep it sacred, special, not something anybody can do. Some of us have it, some of us don't. WE write, YOU get written about. What gets you about Brodie is he doesn't know his place. You say he can't write like a head waiter saying you can't come in here without a tie. Because he can't put words together. What's so good about putting words together?"

"It's traditionally considered advantageous for a writer"

"He's not a writer, He's a convict. You're a writer. You write BECAUSE you're a writer. Even when you write ABOUT something, you have to think up something to write about just you can keep writing. More well chosen words put together. So what? Why should that be IT? Who says?"

God I love Tom Stoppard, anyone who wants to read the rest REALLY should it's a brilliant play :)

really...

can you get more awesome/legendary/iconic that this?

I write

poems in my head,
to help me think stuff through.

Sometimes I remember them but often they're gone as soon as I finish them.
I sometimes wish I could remember them long enough to write them down,
but other times I think maybe I wouldn't want people to read them anyway.

it seems strange to me

how some of the most heart-achingly beautiful music in the world was/is made by five blokes from manchester
is true though

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8tJxWu9RR0
(embedding is disabled *grumbles*)



makes me so happy :')

The Mayflower

I wonder if those three ships that sailed from Plymouth,
Realised what a shitstorm they had begineth.
If they'd known, would they have stayed?
Or did they not care either way.

the mind

fascinates and terrifies me in about equal measure
and the past is a scary place to visit,or
at least it can be


I think too much, one of these days it's going to kill me

mmm...

lucky number Slevin, yum


The Player had glitch on recording though *grumbles*

will have to see if I can buy it in town tomorrow :)

hopefully getting ukedizzle too ^_^

probably hat hair

I've been wearing my hat all day and now I've taken it off and I haven't seen what it looks like

I plan on keeping it that way




...I'm a little bit scared :|

and that's couplewang!

hmm I keep on getting lonely pangs :/
I'm talking about like oh I'm so alone, I mean like
well I don't know if you've ever been in this sort of circumstance but like when you've got loads of best friends and you love them all the bits but all your best friends also have boyfriends and girlfriends and you know however well you get on with them you're never going to be their favourite person in the whole world
or at least not their one and only favourite people
human beans are selfish/vain by nature I guess, the reason we want to have relationships is because of the feeling that to the other person you are the most important person in the world bar no one at that they will always do anything for you over anyone else and vice versa
I dunno I think relationships/love boils down to a join security that you know you'll always have someone else, I'd quite like to have that completely security

maybe I'm just being spoilt, I shouldn't really complain (if that's what that is ^^^)at least I have friends and amazing they are :)

but I do still feel like this some of the time
which is when I normally drown myself is culture ^^
which is good considering I have LOTS of books to read and stuff to watch :)
I have:
The Original Published Poetry of Jim Morrison
Tony Harrison: Selected poems

Heart of Darkness, Youth and The End of the Tether by Joseph Conrad
The COMPLETE Stories, Plays and Poems of Oscar Wilde (thanks zac :D)
Tom Stoppard Plays: Night & Day, Indian Ink and Hapgood
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest by Ken Kesey (I also need to watch the film again :)
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
The Shadow of A Gunman by Sean O' Casey
oh and I need to finish reading the Insect Play by the Capek Brothers

I also have Don Quixote which I need to read at some point :D


Dvd's: I have the rest of my Spaced boxset to watch ^_^ (series two)
Harvey
What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
The Untouchables
and Ferris Bueller's Day Off (which I intend to save til the next time Liv comes round)

oh and ALL the films on the hard drive on the TV downstairs
of which I will probably watch The Player next :)


it's sad but listing them all makes me happy ^_^

mitchell and webb are actually geniuses

^_^

oh :(

I want to go home now, I miss home and being able to use the phone whenever I want


monday soon, school is happy :)


got to do my english tonight though, shouldn't be too bad though if I just spiel it out

having said that

my parents are pretty cool most of the time :)

my parents are farceical

it really is quite funny

they don't like us disagreeing with them or speaking out against them when we think they are unfair

they brought us up to be independent, strongwilled and opinionated, and to speak out againdt things we think are wrong but they don't like it when we speak back at them.

you've gotta love that logic

I NEED a ukelele

mmm I am tired

and also slightly torn/listless/worried
(I feel sometimes like this is the only state I ever find myself in)


so it's a good thing I don't have to do any work this evening, otherwise I'd be screwed



p.s Noah and the Whale are goooood

why do I feel guilty

for not blogging?

it's because I know if this was someone else's I would have obssesively checked it several times this evening and would be annoyed that I hadn't posted

yeh think the logic on that one through



anyways have been too busy stuffing papers/watching big fat quiz of the year/avoiding coursework/doing coursework to post until now


and now I will sleep and be tired tomorrow because that's what I do
would get a sleep in but have decided to go into see liv
will tired but won't matter cos will be worth it :)

even if it would be nice to in somehow get a sleep AND be able to spend first free with liv,
any ideas boffins?

:)

however (late) night phone conservations make me happier so it's ok :)

blurgh

shrink wrapped
cellophaned
brain prain

paracetamol might help, probably
I'm always scared that If I take paracetamol too often
it won't work anymore and I'll have to take more and it'll be a downward spiral ending in paracetamol having no effect of my going crazy or something

probably won't , but y'know

I really need sleep, but I really should do something towards looking at something vaguely like my english

I know that sleep is going to win out

Today (First Day BAck)

aww today was really nice^^

I got to see liv lots which is good because I have missed her :)

and we are starting media practical again so I'm happy :D


however I also found out I have an english deadline on thursday, which isn't as good

but I'll cope,
once I actually start thinking about and stop blogging it should be done in (relatively) no time


so s'all good ^^

although having said that

what's really the difference between thoughts and feelings?

cos surely they're all just created by chemicals in the brain

I'd quit like to know how that works

*

I make no sense, sometimes
I find myself doing it
often without even realising
didn't you just hate the guy or girl
who was just that little bit too quirky
who was trying that little bit to hard

I've done that, I think

Orwell was right you know

human's are not set apart by their apposable thumbs (well they are, but apart from that)
they're set apart by the ability to feel one thing, know that feeling is stupid and ridiculous
and that they shouldn't be feeling it, but feel it anyways


well ok he wasn't quite right
he wrote about it for thinking, believing
we only do it naturally with emotions

This is my song for the liv

Ask me and I will play

So sweetly I'll make you smile

or at least this is the hope anyways :)

because frankly 5 posts is far too many without this person coming into my field of thoughts

(  I hope this goes some way to rectify the problem :)  )

nah,

it didn't
too much of a gap between the end of The Escapist and the start of Life in Technicolour

you'd have to get them in a piece of music software and overlap them really well

anyone willing to do this would make me happy :)

yeh,

Death and All His Friends/The Escapist may not be the best track off Viva La Vida but it's definitely my favourite

I'd like to get a single track which was that and then went into life in technicolour

ooo maybe I should try playing the album on repeat

that might work

blogging

I'm the kind of person that obsessively checks other peoples blogs

so I'm wondering if instead obssesively posting blogs whenever a thought comes into my mind is better or worse than that?


or will the other people I know who are like I am (if any such people exist) will in fact relish my inane pointless posts

and will..they...or I.....am I encouraging them to do the same with their blogs thus fueling my own obsessive desire which will inevitably lead to me posting more blog post myself which will satisfy their hunger....

which leads me into a downwards spiral of thinking and makes my head hurt

woot(?)

[19:41:29] you all don't know what it's like: being male middle class and white says:
woo!
[19:41:35] you all don't know what it's like: being male middle class and white says:
or should that be woor
[19:41:37] you all don't know what it's like: being male middle class and white says:
*woot
[19:41:49] you all don't know what it's like: being male middle class and white says:
I always used to use that for sarcastic woo's!
[19:41:59] you all don't know what it's like: being male middle class and white says:
but then people started using when they were actually happy/excited
[19:42:06] you all don't know what it's like: being male middle class and white says:
so it lost it's point somewhat
[19:42:20] Your Friend James says:
true, true



(I was too lost in the moment to put it on here at the time)

Beginingingings

because it was bound to happen eventually

I'm just gonna use this for writing the shit that comes out of my head so that it's not directed at innocent bystanders/friends

or for those times when I have no one to talk to and am feeling particularly listless Iw ill have something to do

even if I choose to delete what I've written

we'll see I suppose